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Literature Text
Kimmy's mom and dad snuggle her down in the beanbag chair as they get out the board games and have a vote on which one should be the party game. Monopoly wins.
Little five-year old Kimmy watches as the board is set up, the "banker" is assigned, and finally, all the pieces are laid out. The classic argument. Kimmy's seven-year old brother immediately "calls" the doggie. Her hippie cousin grabs the shoe, and her boyfriend takes the boat. Grandma and Grandpa pick the cannon and the iron, and finally, Kimmy's mum and Dad take the top hat and the wheelbarrow. Kimmy notices one piece has been completely ignored: the thimble. The thimble, she decides, doesn't have a real purpose as a game piece: with the car, one can zoom around the board in style. With the shoe, one can get the feeling of "walking" around the board. With the boat, one can sail. The cannon inspires competitive spirit, the iron flattens everything in its path. The top hat is for businessmen, and the wheelbarrow can lug around your riches. But what does the thimble do? Nothing.
Kimmy looks at the thimble. She starts to feel sorry for it. So, even though she's too young to show any interest at all in a game like this, Kimmy picks up the thimble and clutches it in her hand. Her mom notices. "Oh, honey, did you want to play?" Kimmy shakes her head.
The little girl runs off to her room to hide her new treasure.
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A little story I wrote about the poor little thimble from Monopoly. No one ever wants it.
Feedback questions:
1. Does the way I interpreted each piece's purpose make sense to you? Could I improve this?
2. What was your favourite line/part and why?
3. Do you find that the way I wrote it is "childish" enough to be the thoughts of a five year-old? How can I improve this?
Critique for
: [link]
Feedback questions:
1. Does the way I interpreted each piece's purpose make sense to you? Could I improve this?
2. What was your favourite line/part and why?
3. Do you find that the way I wrote it is "childish" enough to be the thoughts of a five year-old? How can I improve this?
Critique for
: [link] © 2012 - 2024 StandingCat
Comments11
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This is awesome! :L
1.It makes sense to me, and I can't think of a way to improve it...
2.The last line, because I think it shows how childish Kimmy is, by hiding it in her room. C:
3. I think a three year old wouldn't think so.... intelligently, I think it'd be more like:
Kimmy sees the thimble. It's shiny. Kimmy likes shinny and feels compelled to steal the shiny thing and hide it from people who might take her shiny thing.
So, maybe change the age to like.... 5 or something... Unless she's like a child genius.
1.It makes sense to me, and I can't think of a way to improve it...
2.The last line, because I think it shows how childish Kimmy is, by hiding it in her room. C:
3. I think a three year old wouldn't think so.... intelligently, I think it'd be more like:
Kimmy sees the thimble. It's shiny. Kimmy likes shinny and feels compelled to steal the shiny thing and hide it from people who might take her shiny thing.
So, maybe change the age to like.... 5 or something... Unless she's like a child genius.